Wookies rally for Ron Paul
Libertarian-style politican attacts fiscal conservative Wookies


(Photo: Cameron Hickey)

KASHYYYK – Republican Chancellor candidate Ron Paul is gearing up for the 6060 elections, and he's finding support on the Wookie homeworld of Kashyyyk.
  "Paul's message of small government resonates with me," said Rowrakruk resident Mazbarrr. "Rrrrraaaah!" he added.
  Although Paul hasn't caught on to mainstream support across the galaxy, he has shown a suprising show of support on the Galactic Wide Web.
  Grakksha, a small business owner, said he likes Paul's philosophies.
  "If you look at all that the Galactic Senate and our current chancellor have done, there is no doubt they are just expanding their power and government programs. I mean, look at the Stormtrooper program if you don't believe me. Not only have they added who knows how many new troopers, they're sending them places we have no businesses being."
  Not everyone agrees with Paul's strategy of a smaller Galactic Republic.
  "In simpler times, a smaller government was more realistic," Chancellor Palpatine recently said in an interview with The Bespin Times. "If we want to continue to grow the standard of living and keep the peace, the government is the only organization large enough and with enough resources to up us achieve those goals."
  Despite his isolationist stance, Paul has criticized Palpatine with his slow action on the blockade of Naboo.
  "If it were me, the blockade would be over and Queen Amidala and her people would not be isolated and in limbo. Obviously Palpatine doesn't care about the citizens of Naboo. He seems to have other motives."
  Pollsters say Paul's chances of winning the primary is slim despite his Wookie support, but they say other politicians will likely study the way he used the web to organize his grassroot efforts.

Vader marries in private ceremony
Will Honeymoon in Cloud City

(Photo: Cayusa)

CATO NEIMOIDIA – In a private ceremony at a beach on Cato Neimoidia, Darth Vader has married longtime girlfriend Visas Marr.
   Marr, now Marr-Vader, and Vader both wore black in the intimate ceremony of about two dozen friends and imperial officers.
  Vader had no known offspring in attendance, although Marr-Vader's daughter from a previous marriage acted as ring barer.
  "I wouldn't say it was a beautiful ceremony, but it was a ceremony" said Vader family friend and co-worker Admiral Firmus Piett.
   "Vader was never one for pomp and circumstance," he added. "We just considered it a success since he didn't choke anyone."
  It isn't known if the happy couple will start a family soon, but gossip columnist Flim Freezone isn't afraid to speculate.
  "If Vader ever had kids, you know they'd be great. Great for the empire and great for his career."
  

Tatooine found to be bright center of universe

TATOOINE - There's an old saying on Tatooine:
  If there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from.
  Now scientists say nothing could be farther from the truth.
  "Our research has found that indeed Tatooine is right in the smack center and it happens to have a higher degree of luminosity compared to anything else surrounding it," said planetary astrophysicist Gl'ee Puk of the University of Mon Calamari.
  "Kind of ironic," he added.
  Bestine Governor Tour Aryon said he was surprised.
  "I guess we might have to change that old adage. Maybe we can even get some tourism out of the deal.
  Maybe not. It's still Tatooine."

BESPIN 7-DAY FORCAST: Cloudy.

Stormtroopers face struggling economy
Some taking up second job to make ends meet

(Photo: Greg Easton)

MYGEETO – Enlisting as a Stormtrooper used to be known as a promising and stable career move, but as the economy wanes across the galaxy, the job isn't as secure was it once was.
  Troopers who used to easily find overtime work now find themselves with fewer hours, in many cases cut to part-time work, forcing them to find a second job.
  "A year ago, if I asked my commander if I could work a double shift it would be no problem," said TK-688, stationed on Mois Eisley.
  "Now I'm working the midnight shift at Fly 'n' Go to help pay the rent."
  TC-261, Stormtrooper in the 501st Legion, said things have changed since the Clone Wars.
  "I guess we didn't realize how good we had it back then. We got time-and-a-half on Geonosis and most of us blew that money on death sticks, juma juice and betting on pod races. We didn't think things would dry up like they have."
  "I accept that we have less work right now, but what really worries me is all those empty Death Star trench guns. I guess they know what they are doing," said 261.

Sources: Lied on resumé, Yoda did

DAGOBAH – New documents suggest Yoda, former member of the Jedi High Council, may have lied on his resumé.
  The resumé Yoda used when applying for his council position differs from a slightly older version he used to get a job at an Orange Julius on Jabiim.
  Included on his council resumé but not his ealier one include:

• Captain, Battle Cruiser Corinth
• Professor Emeritus, Yavin Jedi Academy
• CFO, Incom Corporation
• Lead Software Engineer, T-47 Weapons Systems
• Branch Manager, Guitar Center on B'rii Dak II
• Producer, Ewoks in the Mist
• Contestant, The Price is Right

  Yoda also had listed his earning the title of Jedi Master in 796, while corroborating documents put the year at 805.
  Yoda denied to be interviewed, but released a statement through his publicist:
  "Lies matter not. Innocent am I. After 900 years, see how good your memory is."

 Pop Band Modal Nodes Break Up
"Cantina Band" members may continue with solo projects

 MOS EISLEY - The Modal Nodes, best known as the ever-popular house band at the Mos Eisley Cantina, has decided to go their separate ways according a news release by the band.
  Figrin D'an, kloo horn player and group leader, said the breakup was all but inevitable.
  "I think the band had run its course. We'd done what we'd set out to do.
  "Personal reasons, business reasons, musical reasons, but most of all because I have a better time with my family. Temporary or permanent? I don't really know," he added.
  Rolling Nerf writer Glam Vlrriver suggested in a recent article that the influence of Ickabel G'ont's girlfriend Moko Gonna in the recording studio added to the stress and pressure to top their last album already present among the band members, but G'ont denies she had an influence on the band.
   "She was with us in the studio. She wasn't in the music process. Nobody in the band complained to me about it. I expect if they had a problem with if, they would come to me," G'ont said in the interview.
  The Nodes, as they were known, topped the charts with such hits as "Tears of Aquanna," "Worm Case," and "The Sequential Passage of Chronological Intervals."
   But they are perhaps best known for the shoe-tapper, "Mad About Me," which the band famously refused to play in concert because of its hyper-popularity.
  Ommnibox player and original Node member Tech Mo'r said he has a solo album in the works and plans to tour in the next year.
  "I can't say I will miss Modalmania. I sympathize with the fans, it is never easy when your favorite band breaks up, but they still have all the old albums. They will always have them," he said.
  Nalan Cheel, bandfiller, plans to try his hand at acting.
  "It's been my childhood dream to be in movies. We made a couple movies as a band, but I'd like to do some more serious films. Maybe even direct someday. We'll see."